i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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