He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just pee around me
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
