There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
