I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
