Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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