i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
