Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
