I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
