In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
