apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
