my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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