Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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