I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
