I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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