I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just pee around me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
