After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
