How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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