i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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