New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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