ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
