She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So vagazzling was a success
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
