Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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