defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
