I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
