Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
