My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
