your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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