I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
