i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
