if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
