it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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