u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
