Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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