I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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