you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Randomize
