call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
