FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
