So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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