i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
