I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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