Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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