i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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