i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
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You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
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I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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