Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
