I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
