Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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