i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
