she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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