Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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