This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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