He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize