He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
