He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
