In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
