i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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