I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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