It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
