Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
